Is love really powerful enough to make a difference? Do we have the capacity to allow love to change the very fabric of who we are as a country?
After watching the documentary 13th on Netflix, I wasn’t sure. The way I’m wired I feel deeply. As I continue on my journey of self love and loving others from a pure place there are times I feel my heart can’t take whatever I’m feeling. I’m constantly telling my friends that I can’t watch certain things on TV because my heart can’t take it or it will keep me up at night. Like tonight, I’m up at 1:30 AM because I watched 13th. The truth is I’ve tried my best to avoid feeling pain or any kind of deep emotion because it takes a lot out of me or it fills me up which can be overwhelming. But, there’s no avoiding it. I’ve made a choice to open my heart and love the way that feels right to me. It’s not so bad, it’s actually freeing. However, tonight was one of those nights I couldn’t avoid feeling deep pain. This documentary hit me at my heart center. At the end I exhaled and the steady stream of tears started rolling down my face.
Yes, I cried. Okay, I should address this crying thing. Some of my friends don’t think I have tear ducts because they’ve never seen me cry. Actually, the last time some friends witnessed me crying the next day I got flowers delivered to my house, my other friend dropped off gifts and a card and another friend mailed me a card. I won’t use this blog to go into why I don’t normally cry, stay tuned.
Back to the documentary. I didn’t know how to address love after watching the documentary. How do you address love in such a disgusting, convoluted, unjust place in which we live? It’s not like I didn’t know our history of oppression, that’s not the point. It’s addressing whether or not love can really move us in the right direction? Finding it in my heart to search for love after watching this documentary is hard. But I knew this journey was going to push me toward addressing what’s real about love and life.
I understand that as I explore this thing called love it is not going to always feel good. Love is the only thing that gives me hope. But let me be clear, I have a right to be angry, sad, upset and mad. Whatever I feel I have a right to it. For years I’ve watched as our people were shamed for being upset but praised for stuffing our pain and saying I forgive you. I forgive you for killing us, it’s okay, don’t feel uncomfortable I forgive you. I won’t show you I’m human and feel pain.
I don’t subscribe to that. Love is forgiving. It also addresses and fixes terrible behavior. There’s no way to get to the other side without removing hate. Tonight, I was not going to stuff it. I learned how to stuff my pain at an early age, it’s taken years to unlearn it. I’m still a work in progress but I will not allow myself or anyone else to deny me my right to express myself.
I will wrap my heart around the pain I feel. I am comforted by the fact that there is goodness in the world (the libra in me has to find a balance). Knowing that there are so many people dedicating their lives for justice gives me hope. I will do my part in making the world a better place. My hope is that we move towards love, one step at a time occasionally running towards it with abandon.
I’m going for a loving ending. It’s not a fairy tale y’all.
My journey. Address the pain. One step at a time. Love will get us through this. Woo Forever.